The Internal Battle learn how to make it work for you by making it positive

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It was not until I healed my wounded child that I was able to find my authentic self and that  may feel scary to some but I am speaking from first hand experience that this in itself was probably the best part of healing my wounded child. 

Upon reflection, I am able to identify times in my early childhood that I had glimpses of my authentic self. 

As an adopted child I was already behind the curve as far as odds of ever knowing who and what my authentic self is but I realize now that I saw my authentic self at various times and honestly, the validation I was always seeking has finally happened. 

The wounded child in me always won the battle when I was young and part of that was because the things that made me who I am were the things I was ridiculed for when I was young. 

I was an extremely quiet child. Being raised by an extremely extroverted mother, I was told repeatedly when I was young that there was something wrong with me and that's the belief I grew up with.  Naturally, my self image was very poor because all of the parts of me that were authentic were put down and said to be a problem.  

For so long I lived with the belief that something was wrong with me and that led me to make repeated mistakes as I got older. I believed that I was given up by my biological parents because there was something wrong with me and nobody would ever want me.

For me, this became a mission in my life, I went searching for the love and acceptance that I did not get from my parents. This led to many repeated mistakes but I now realize that it's something that I had to endure and I had to learn the lessons to stop the behavior.

The one thing I want to make as clear as I can is that you may be a wounded child but deep down, your authentic self is in there, it's just being buried by the darkness of the wounds. I know it's hard to see past the wounds, I lived it for decades and I understand all of the negative feelings that go along with it.  Words cannot convey how important  the healing the wounded child inside of you is, and I know that being in the wounded child state of mind makes it almost impossible to believe that it can ever be better. I was there, I had accepted my fate as the broken person and I know you can heal it and even if you start taking baby steps, you will get there. 

Our inner child is where the memories are kept that come out as memories as we grow older and I have vivid memories of being extremely logical as a very young child. Around the age of 5. I remember learning of the moon landing and I somehow knew that this was not possible. One of the few times I spoke out about my beliefs, I was punished. This did not change my belief, it only changed my behavior about my belief and I learned to keep my mouth shut which led me to being more quiet and obviously, this continued to be a problem. 

The things I witnessed as a young child, I somehow knew were not right. The things such as backstabbing people and speaking very poorly of other people in a very judging way, made me very uncomfortable as a young child. This led to me becoming more withdrawn, to the point where I did not want to go to Sunday school and I would go and hide in the bathroom. I believed when i was young that i did this because something was wrong with me and I did not want to be around people. Now that I have healed my wounded child and I have the capacity to understand the behavior, I realize that I did not want to be around the people I saw as victims of the behavior that I witnessed. I felt tremendous guilt as a young child because I somehow knew this was wrong. When I saw the people who were part of the regular people bashing that occurred in my presence, I felt guilty. I realize now that this guilt was my authentic self who took the guilt because I was not able to stop it or prevent it.

I understand now that I felt so strongly about this as a child because it went against my fundamental belief. 

Why is this important? It's important because this was my authentic self, knowing that this judgmental behavior was wrong.  As a child, I was not able to rationalize this and my wounded child took center stage.  I was not able to see it this clearly when it was happening but I see it very clearly now. That authentic self was screaming to evolve but the wounds always won the battle. 

Parents often try to mold their children instead of helping their child find the path that is  part of their purpose.  I believe this was very common practice when I was young. I had glimpses of what my fundamental self was but this was discouraged by the constant punishment and negative comments about me. I knew at a very young age that I was meant to do certain things. I remember being 6 years old and wanting to learn about the laws and if i was "caught" trying to learn anything about this, I was told that I would never be able to do anything with that and I was told I was being ridiculous and then reminded that I was an adopted child and I was lucky that I was adopted because my adopted parents were willing to accept an older baby because nobody wanted an older baby. The more I heard this the more I tried to be what my parents wanted. 

My adopted mother would gush about my older brother, who was a biological child, and how he was great at soccer. Somehow I convinced my adopted mother to let me play soccer. I had no interest and I mean,  I had no interest in playing soccer but the wounded little girl believed that if i could play soccer then I would win the approval I was desperately seeking.  Of course, this was a grand failure, I hated it and I was not good at it . So, instead of winning the approval, I was further criticized. 

I cannot speak to the intent  for the wounds on someone else but I believe that most parents who inflict these wounds aren't doing it intentionally or willfully. It may be that they are wounded children and are repeating cycles from their own childhood or wounds of some kind. Of course this does not change the end result and it certainly does not justify it. 

Moving forward, if you are living as an adult wounded child, it is now your responsibility to heal the wounds so you are able to find your authentic self and start to evolve as the person you are meant to be. 

I started writing when I was about 6 years old. I would write about my feelings, things that were way beyond my years. It was my only means of expressing the hell that I felt I was living in. From the outside,  I had the perfect life. I lived in the biggest house, I had horses, airplanes, my life appeared to the outside world as a fairytale. 

Unfortunately, I did not have the capacity to understand that this was a facade, I went on to further believe it was my fault and because of me that I was so miserable. The wounds grew because the older I got, the more I was able to understand the negative things that were happening around me and to me. 

When my friends would tell me how lucky I was to have the life I had, this only echoed what I was being told about being lucky that someone would adopt an older baby. 

The only outlet I had was writing. I would sit in my room for hours and write and I would keep my writing in a hidden folder under my bed. 

My adopted mother was convinced hat something was wrong with me and verbalized this a lot. 

I was put into the gifted program when I was young and it only made me feel like more of an outcast. I was made fun of for being adopted which hurt me to my core, being called an orphan by my peers and now being teased because I had to leave the classroom several times a week for the gifted program. 

I had learned the lesson early to keep my mouth shut so when I was asked what was wrong, I would say nothing. 

I was still listening to the conversations of people bashing and judging and feeling guilty for it and I continued to go hide in the bathroom instead of going to Sunday School. 

By the time I was about 13, I felt hated by my adopted family, I felt hated by just about everyone. Then the discovery came, the discovery of my writing. 

According to my mother, my writing confirmed that there was something very wrong with me because my writing was so dark as she described it. 

I started thinking of how I could escape the prison I was living in. 

I  believe that a lot of kids have this thought, even those who are not wounded children, but it was a constant thought for me. I would never tell the truth about anything because i did not want to be punished for speaking truth.

There was judgment about everything and everyone. 

I had a very difficult time concentrating on anything and I would hear the judgment about children with ADHD and how this was not real and the kids just needed to be punished and somehow I knew that I had this, at that time it was more ADD but there was no way I could ask for help because I knew that there would be punishment. 

It's a vicious cycle,  I went around and around for many years before I had the lightbulb finally come on and show me that the wounds were not my fault and I allowed them to define me far too long. 

I was so wounded and broken and it literally defined my existence. I found that I could use it as an excuse for being less than what I needed or should have been. I gravitated to broken people who were on a similar path because I was not able to rise above my own pain to even begin to understand that I deserved better.

I allowed people to mistreat me and often justified their bad behavior toward me instead of setting better standards for myself. This too is another vicious cycle and one that can have life altering consequences.

I realize now how I self victimized myself because my self image was so poor and I was so willing to accept the scraps that were thrown to me, I am honestly amazed that I survived it but somehow, I did and I am here to help others climb out of this prison and heal the wounds that are blinding their belief in themselves. 

I know how crafty wounded children are and it's because wounded children are survivors. Take a look at what you have survived and find your strength from that because I can promise you that you are much stronger than you believe. I don't compare anyone's suffering and pain to anyone else's because I know that to truly understand someone else's pain, you have to live the same thing and we are all different so interpretations are different but I do know that I was able to heal my inner child without any help and I am no better than anyone else so I know that anyone who truly wants to heal can do it.

I hated my biological mother or at least I believed I hated her. It was painful and difficult to hate a ghost. I remember looking at strangers all the time wondering if they were one of my biological parents. This is not healthy and it's not a healthy way to spend time. When I was around 13  years old when I started to hate my adoptive mother too.  

I have not mentioned my adopted father because I believed that he was a hero for many years. He was not very involved with me for several reasons. He was gone most of the time, he was an international pilot so he was working most of the time. I needed a hero so I made him my hero but the older I got the more I realized that he knew exactly what was going on and I made the decision that he was just as much to blame for my wounds as the person who actually inflicted them. 

It wasn't until I had suffered as a wounded child for decades that I realized that I had no right to blame anyone moving forward. With this decision came the forgiving, which meant releasing the bad feelings I had toward all of them but I also made the decision that it was toxic for me to continue to allow them in my life so I cut the ties.

This was probably one of the most healthy decisions I made for myself. To this day I do not wish anything bad on anyone, I honestly wish them the best, I just know that I do not have the power to change anyone else but I can make decisions for myself and this is a decision that I do not ever second guess. 

The bottom line, the decision is yours now.  You can make the decision to continue to live as the wounded child or you can make the decision to heal your inner child and find your authentic self and start to evolve. You cannot change someone else but you can change your path going forward.