Guilt has Zero Value

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We have all probably been there, feeling guilty for something that we really did not have anything to do with. This is what is called unwarranted guilt and this is one of the biggest emotional destroyers.

Guilt is, by definition, feeling bad for causing the physical or emotional harm of another person.

Read this again, this is very simple and if you did in fact, cause someone harm you still should not feel guilty. That's right, there is a process that you should follow instead of feeling guilty because guilt has no value to you but if you hurt someone and you go through the process then you will  have a positive to move forward with.

The bottom line is, we all hurt each other from time to time, it happens and it does not mean that the times we have caused harm to others it was with malice because in most cases, it was not.

If you caused someone harm, follow these steps instead of living with guilt because the guilt will destroy you and the process will actually make you a better person.

1. Apologize to the person you caused harm to without justifying it. Just an old fashioned apology and make sure to include what you did in your apology because without doing this, then you are giving an empty apology. The person may or may not tell you that they forgive you but this is incidental in this transaction and not something that you need to concern yourself with.

2. Find the lesson in your actions that caused the harm. Every lesson that you learn makes you a better person and has tremendous value to you, lessons are always a positive.

3. Write out what you did to cause the harm and then write out the lesson that you learned.  Remind yourself of this once in awhile. Included with this, write out that  you release bad feelings toward yourself because you learned the lesson.

Move forward with the lesson and be a better person.

This is by far the most destructive form of guilt. The reason it's so damaging is because you are taking irrational responsibility that is not yours to take. There's no way to learn a lesson from it, there is no action item, meaning there is no solution. 

For wounded people, it's your conscious punishing you, it's an irrational emotion and it may cause havoc on your emotions because it often will distort your reality. 

If you are suffering from unwarranted guilt, here is the process to stop it. It's a repetitive exercise to reteach your mindset truth instead of the irrational feelings and thoughts that are causing this unwarranted guilt. It only takes a few minutes a day and if you can do it several times a day, even better. No way to know how long it will take but don't give up, it will happen, those thoughts will stop.

1. Write out what you feel guilt for, as detailed as possible.

2. Now read what you wrote aloud and then ask yourself this question: What did I do to cause harm to this person?  If it's unwarranted guilt then the answer should be nothing. Now, write your answer as a complete sentence, like this, "I did not do anything to cause harm to xxxx and I do not deserve to feel guilt." Read that back to yourself after you write it. The purpose for writing it out is that is resonates differently with your brain.

3. Spend 10 or more minutes every day reading your answer aloud to yourself. Eventually those feelings will disappear.

Guilt is a powerful weapon and if someone attempts to use it with you, this should be considered a negative trait and should be avoided. When someone tries to use guilt is someone who will attempt to make you feel guilty for a decision you are making, typically it has something to do with the person who is trying to wield this weapon against you. Examples are if you decline to do something that involves the person typically an invitation or something like that. Instead of graciously accepting your decline, they will tell you all of the ways this is going to hurt them. 

It is important to remember that you are the CEO of your life and you have to make the best decisions for you when it comes to others. You need to have the confidence to decline to do things that you feel are not in your best interest regardless of how someone else reacts. No person has the right to make you feel bad for doing what's best for you.

These are the people who care about you unconditionally and will accept and support your decisions because they want what's best for you. There is no guilt attached, someone may be disappointed if you cancel plans or decline and invitation but they will not try to use guilt to get you to go against what you feel is best for you.

Negatives have no value so if you have a person or people in your life who try to use guilt as a weapon, these are negatives and you should, at the very least, limit their access to your life and your decisions.

These types will say things like, "if you love me, you would do this."

It is important before you respond to such garbage is make sure that that you not opening the door for an argument because the last thing you will want to do is further the negativity. Keep your response short and simple and if this doesn't back them down, simply tell them that there is nothing else that needs to be said and that your decision is final and maybe add a "have a blessed day" and end the conversation and do not respond to any further attempts, move on with your day and remember that you are not the one in the wrong.

It's best to limit the amount of time you spend with someone who is trying to get you to do something that you don't want to do or are uncomfortable doing. The answer is simple, never go against what is best for you, this will never be a good choice. If you allow someone to get their way by using guilt, you are opening the door for future manipulation. 

With these, a simple, yet firm, gracious response is something like, "I appreciate you thinking of me but this is not something that works for me. Never say that you are sorry for the action of declining  but saying something like, "I am sorry that my decision makes you feel this way but this is just how it has to be and I hope you can respect my decision, have a good day. Leave it at that but there is never a reason for apologizing for your decision.